I lost three days. No, four.
Maybe even five?
Saturday morning
They gathered in a circle around my bed and we gripped hands.
Prayed for healing, for help.
I looked in their dear eyes. Husband, children, niece, sister, pastor
We said bon voyage
Goodbye to the old shell
Then my boat was launched. I drifted out as they launched my
bed into the room where
two sets of hands re-formed me.
One surgeon to cut away the cancer
Another to rebuild from what was left.
Then the swirl of pain, fear, confusion.
My questions: Am I alive/what is gone/what remains
Dreams so deep and confused. I was in a cave, I swam through cold water.
Nothing prepared me for just how much this would hurt.
How I've been reduced to just a body.
An animal, shivering in its fear
I find it humiliating to be so reduced
I smell like pain and fear
My world shrinks to the size of my bed, my boat through the haze of this
I try to listen, to make sense of what they tell me
I can't stop apologizing
I try to learn about my new self
Nothing sticks
I can't be served by reason
Only kindness penetrates
Cool palm on my face, a tug of the pillow by expert hands
Women who work the night shift
Answer my call
Call me Darling
Check my incisions with a reverence that moves me
What skill the healers bring
A man comes to massage my feet
was I in his dream or was he in mine?
I am tethered to jars and bottles
I would float away without the tubes
That strap me to my bed, my boat
I am better now
Slowly returning to myself
I am back at home
But not yet at home in my new person.
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12 comments:
Kevyn, your honesty, your openness
Such a great gift. I am moved -
beyond my words. I send you peace.
Rest & heal. You are in my prayers.
This was amazing. Thank you for sharing. I am still praying for your recovery.
My dear step-mom, your words moved me so deeply. What an amazing spirit you have, even through the fog it shines! So many people love you and are cheering you on, as you journey to full healing. One day at a time---
Love you so so much. All of you are in our daily prayers.
Kim
on behalf of Carrie
Hey Kevyn,
I hope you are taking good care of yourself. I have been listening to you for a long time now and I miss hearing your voice in the morning. I am a busy mom and have little time for a social life so I am highly dependant on my 107 girls for my social time. I just wanted you to know you are very important to many and we all hope for a healthy return. I look forward to hearing your voice again soon. I hope your family is taking care as well!
on behalf of Sandy & Liz
Hiya Kevyn...
How wonderful to hear your voice giving us the wonderful news!
Sandy & I both had a yippee-skippy kinda day after hearing that! What a load off the ol' mind, eh? Take care and know that you continue to be in our thoughts, hearts and prayers.
Love & Laughter,
Sand & Liz
on behalf of Kathy
Hi Kevyn,
I also had breast cancer 6 years ago. I only had a lumpectomy, but did the chemo and radiation thing. As you can guess, none of it was fun, but Kevyn, none of it was a bad as I imagined it would be either. Probably the worst thing is the fear. But you have already experienced some of that and somehow coped with it. Not that I think your fear has gone away, but now that you have had the surgery, doesn't it feel good to know you are doing something? Just think, a month ago you were living with the cancer and didn't even know it. Now that is scarey !!!! I wish you well Kevyn. Gonna miss you !!!
on behalf of Brian
I followed Ian from Atlanta as a listener and have come to enjoy FM107 and it's family. My mother-in-law is a breast cancer survivor...as will you be. My thoughts and prayers are with you. God bless
Brian
on behalf of Shirley
So sorry to hear of this breast cancer. Am following your progress on radio. Sending good wishes for a speedy recovery. Have heard you for decades and enjoy your work.
Hello Kevyn - you nailed it in your Through the Fog post. It took me back to 8 years ago when I was in that same bed, same fear, same worry about how my body looked. Did I have a future?
You will come to love and respect your new body. I have come to love and respect the breast I had to sacrifice to save my life. That breast is a hero.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know from the depths you write. When you are down, let people know. When you need help, let people know. Sometimes I let my pride get in the way and didn't ask.
I now believe God gives us trials to help us accept help from others. To not be the strong one all the time. But yet not to abdicate my own role in my healing.
Peace will come - at its own pace. But it does come.
Always in my prayers -
A "Bosom Buddy" and "Breast Friend"
Member of the Big C club - and no one asked me if I wanted to join.
Deb
Hi Kevyn
"Through the Fog" is powerful, inspiring and amazing--as are you.
Here are two sentences that I would like to share with you:
You have cancer.
Cancer DOESN'T have you.
--And hopefully because of that the river has become a little more blue today, the ebb and flow a little more calming, its presence more inviting.
We are all thinking of you. My mother is a survivor. She doesn't talk about her experience much. (Double mastectomy). Thank you for your honesty. Many of us are so lucky not to have a reference point.
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